Jesus & Shamu

OK, seriously guys, you two need to get jobs or something. You’ve been crashing at my place for, like a year or something. You need to get a job to help pay the bills like you promised when you moved in’ Steve told Jesus & Shamu sternly.
‘But we’ve been doing stuff to help out, like cooking & cleaning, that’s got to count as something, right?’ Shamu protested.
‘Setting trash on fire using the stove is neither cooking nor cleaning.’ Steve pointed out sighing.
‘But it’s an awesome way to get rid of your trash, bound to save money somehow.’ Said Jesus merrily.
‘They have dumpsters in my apartment complex, you throw the trash in there, it’s free.’
‘Burning it is more awesome.’
‘You two are why I can’t get girls, I always smell like burning garbage.’
‘It’s just your lame personality’ Jesus said.
‘Yeah, you’re the worst.’ Shamu added.
‘Get a job by the end of the day or you’re both out. I’ll even drive you around or something, just get jobs.’
***
‘Hmm… Where’s an easy place to get a job?’ Shamu wondered aloud.
‘Well, how about the grocery store across the street? I noticed a help wanted sign there yesterday.’ Jesus told Shamu.
‘Sweet, lets get Steve to drive us over there & see if we can get hired!’
‘Or we could, y’know, walk?’
‘Walking is for girls. Real men drive places’ Shamu said to Jesus.
‘Whatever, lets go get him.’
‘HEY STEVE,’ Jesus yelled,’COME IN HERE WE NEED YOUR CAR!’
‘You guys know where you’re going?’
‘Yeah, the grocery place across the road’
‘You need me to drive you there?’
‘Well, you said you’d help us.’
‘Fine, whatever.’ Steve grumbled, grabbing his keys from the peg beside the door & heading outside.
‘Haha, lets go!’ Jesus giggled.
***
When Jesus & Shamu walked into the front door of the store Shamu grabbed Jesus & drug him bodily towards the bathrooms.
‘Why are we in here?’ Jesus asked.
‘Shut up & give me a spork.’ Shamu whispered
‘What, why?’
‘Just do it!’ Shamu whispered again.
Jesus produced a spork from somewhere inside his voluminous robes & handed it to Shamu, who began to use the spork to dig around in his blow hole.
‘Why are we whispering?’ Jesus whispered.
‘Because,’ Shamu began to explain, finally extricating two ski masks & a pistol from his blow hole,’we’re about to apply for jobs.’
Shamu donned a ski mask & tossed the other to Jesus, who stared at it in a rather confused manner.
‘I think you’ve confused “armed robbery” with “job position”‘ Jesus stated rather unhappily.
‘No, no, I’m sure this is what he meant, I mean, this is how the encyclopedia says to make money,’
‘Where did you get this particular encyclopedia?’ Jesus asked.
‘Some guy sells them door to door, I’ll let you read it sometime, I got the whole set, A to Z, & the companion pocket dictionary/thesaurus, for the man always on the go.’
‘Uh.. OK, well, lets just go apply & get this over with. Do I get a gun?’
Shamu dug around in his blow hole for a few seconds before pulling out a shiny revolver & handing it to Jesus.
‘This thing looks pretty bad ass.’ Jesus pointed out unnecessarily.
‘Yeah.’ Shamu agreed, pulling the slide on his pistol, which ejected the round chambered. He then decocked the pistol & then cocked the hammer then said,’Lets get this party started’ menacingly.
‘Why did you just do that?’ Jesus asked.
‘Do what?’
‘There was a bullet in the chamber & you just wasted it. It’s in the floor now. Also, when you pull the slide it cocks it automatically, you don’t need to do all of that.’
‘Well it’s really dramatic & awesome, don’t you ever notice how on TV they cock a pistol like eight times before they actually fight anyone? It gives you style points. And man points, ask anyone.’
‘Dude, there are starving kids in third world countries who would love to have that bullet you’re just so wantonly throwing in the floor.’
‘No, in third world countries bullets grow on trees or something. Like, have you ever noticed how in third world countries no one can afford food or education but everyone in the entire country owns, like, eight assault rifles? It’s because they grow on trees, or maybe they’re born with them. I dunno, but they always have them.’
‘Whatever, lets get this over with’ Jesus told him, heading for the door.
‘No, wait, you have to cock it first. Or are you going to cock it in front of the manager for extra dramaticness?’
‘No, just… No… It’s double action, I don’t need to cock it at all.’
‘Oh come on, do it, go ahead, it’s like, the best manliest feeling pretty much ever.’
Jesus rolled his eyes & pulled back the hammer. His eyes widened.
‘Wow, that was pretty… Awesome.’ Jesus said, awestruck.’I'm totally going to do that again when we get to the manager, you’re right, that is more awesome than, like, anything.’ Jesus rambled, following Shamu out of the bathroom & towards the front of the store. When they reached the front of the store Shamu waved his pistol in the air a bit.
‘I am applying for a job, I’d like to speak to the manager.’ Shamu shouted, while Jesus repeatedly cocked his revolver & pointed it at people while randomly shouting “I’ll be back”, “Go ahead, punk. Make my day.”, & “I pity the fool!”
A short, sweaty, greasy, balding man in his mid forties stepped forward after a minute or two & introduced himself as Mike, the manager.
‘We’re here to apply for a job,’ Shamu said calmly,’now empty the safe & we’ll be on our way.’
‘Apply for a job?’ The sweaty bald man asked confused,’I'm pretty sure it doesn’t work this way’
Shamu put the pistol to the little man’s head & dramatically pulled back the hammer, hearing a satisfying click as it cocked, ready to fire.
‘This is how the encyclopedia says it works, this is how I do it. If you don’t like it I’ll introduce you to my friend, LEAD SANDWICH IN YOUR FACE!’
‘OK, OK’, the sweaty midget cried, crying,’we don’t have more than $50 in the safe, we just deposited it, I’m sorry!’
‘Well, I’m just going to have to shoot you then.’
Behind Shamu, Jesus, who had been playing with his revolver throughout the entire exchange accidentally dropped the revolver while trying to twirl it on his fingers like a gunslinger in the old wild west movies. The pistol clattered & bounced as it hit the floor, & two things happened, seemingly simultaneously. The pistol fired & the store manager’s ankle turned into a pulpy mass of bone & tissue surrounded in a red mist. The manager screamed like Fran Drescher giving birth to a porcupine with kitchen knives soaked in Tobasco sauce duct taped to it’s body.
‘Oops’ Jesus muttered sheepishly.
‘Shit, take his wallet & let’s go before they call the cops.’
They searched the manager’s pockets, grabbed his wallet, watch, & belt, then ran out the door.
‘What the hell are you guys doing dressed like that, & why did I hear gunfire? Also, why do you have guns?’ Steve asked them as they fought over who got to ride shotgun & finally both got into the back seat, giving up.
‘Shut up & ride, we just got that job!’ Shamu yelled in Steve’s ear.
Steve pulled out of the parking lot of the grocery store & into the parking lot of his apartment. They all went upstairs.
‘OK, time to count up the loot’ Shamu said as they walked in the front door.
‘Uh… $7.87, a watch, & a belt.’
‘You guys are the worst’ Steve complained walking into his bedroom & slamming the door.
‘What’s his problem?’ Shamu asked.
‘Beats me,’ Jesus replied,’but I think we need to find something else to do making money, we can’t just go rob that place every day. We need something with a steady income. Suggestions?’
‘Hmmm… Lemme go check the encyclopedias.’ Shamu told Jesus.
The duo walked back to Shamu’s room, where Shamu went to the book shelf, selected a tome with a big “J” on the cover.
“Lets seee…. Jobs.’
‘That encyclopedia is written in crayon. It’s written on orange construction paper & held together with Scotch tape. Where did you get that?’ Jesus inquired.
‘Like I said, some guy sells them door to door.’ Shamu replied.
Jesus grabbed something that could almost be mistaken for a book that Shamu referred to as an encyclopedia from the bookshelf, it had an “A” on the front. Jesus cracked it open & began to read. The first entry was for “Anal sex” there was a picture of what looked like a horse mounting a large spray paint can, or maybe a carton of milk. Jesus cocked his head for a minute then gave up trying to figure it out. He replaced it on the shelf & grabbed one labelled “B”, the first entry was for “Buttsex” the illustration looked like someone putting their arm in a small cave, or maybe a garbage disposal.
‘Hey, I have an idea!’ Shamu exclaimed.’Lets sell stuff door to door!’
‘We aren’t going to try to make encyclopedias are we?’
‘No, I’m too lazy. What’s something we have a lot of that we can sell to make money from?’
‘Nothing.’ Jesus pointed out sadly.
‘What about crack? We could make some of that & sell it to kids & stuff, crack is like ice cream, everyone loves it!’
‘Wouldn’t we need cocaine to make it?
‘Steve has a load of it under his bed. We can just cook it in baking soda & milk. I think it’s like baking a cake, it can’t be that hard.’
‘Ok, lets give it a go.’
***
After several hours of hilariously unexpected drug cooking mishaps, & several pounds of wasted cocaine later our two heroes have enough crack rocks to sell all week long.
***
‘C’mon Steve, we’re door to door salesmen  now, we totally sell stuff that people need, & we give out totally awesome free samples to get our clients addicted–I mean interested in our product. We can seriously not, not make money with this.’ Shamu practically screamed while dancing an odd jig & Jesus struggled to carry a large suitcase.
“Whatever guys, I’m off of work today so I guess I could help you out. Want to go peddle your wares in the neighborhood behind the apartments?’
‘Sure.’
“What are you two selling anyway?’
‘Uh.. Encyclopedias.’
***
Knocking at the door of the first customer of the day the divine duo gazed at the million dollar house, with it’s expensive landscape, jungle trees, fancy stained glass & whatnot.
A tall blonde haired woman wearing a maid’s outfit answered the door.
“Hello sir or ma’am how would you like to try some of our wonderful crack rocks, freshly cooked, made with freshest ingredients & purest cocaine?’ Shamu asked, holding out a monster crack rock to her as he read from the cue card Jesus was holding for him.
‘I’m calling the police.’ She slammed the door.
‘I was hoping I wouldn’t need this.’ Shamu said resignedly removing a shotgun from the bag & cocking it, ejecting a perfectly good shell & squinting his eyes in what he imagines is a bad ass sort of way.
‘We’re selling door to door & you plan to kill everyone who doesn’t want our product?’ Jesus asked, trying to be a voice of reason.
‘Well we can’t let her call the police, we’re going to have to silence her somehow.’
‘Cut out her tongue?’
‘She could write then.’
‘Cut off her arms too?’
‘What if she could write with her toes?’
‘Well, cut off her arms & legs?’
‘I think she’d bleed to death.’
‘Yeah, might as well shoot her. Gimme a gun too.’
‘Here. Grab something.’ Shamu said, lowering his head so Jesus could reach his blow hole. Jesus pulled out a sub machine gun. He cocked it dramatically.
‘Hey, guys,’ Steve yelled running from the car towards them,’ why do you have guns & why don’t I have one?’ He asked.
‘Oh here’ Shamu said handing him an assault rifle. Steve cocked the rifle, randomly fired off a few shots, then cocked it again. A car exploded somewhere for no apparent reason. Flames coruscated in the air around him & he stared off to one side of the camera, striking a heroic pose. A trash can caught fire & turned into a blazing trash can conflagration, a homeless man froze to death, fireworks exploded overhead. Flags flapped in the breeze.
‘That was so manly & awesome I think my dick just grew an inch.’ Steve said.
‘I think that lady across the road looking at you just grew chest hair, that was so manly.’ Shamu informed them.
‘Right now, I feel so manly & awesome, I’m pretty sure any woman who saw me would just lay down & spread her legs, begging for me to give her manly awesome assault rifle wielding babies that are awesome & have assault rifles.’ Steve yelled over his shoulder as he walked towards the lady standing across the road, who upon noticing his attentions turned tail & ran. Screaming.
‘I’m just too manly for her I guess. I need to go find a real woman who can handle all of my sexy manliness, I’m out of here. I’ll see you two later.’
‘Just force yourself on the one that’s running, you can catch her, she’s in high heels.’ Jesus said.
‘Isn’t that rape?’ Steve asked.
‘It isn’t rape if you yell surprise.’ Shamu added sagely.
‘OK, I guess I’ll just yell surprise before I shove my manly, throbbing, rock hard–”
‘Before you go do all that, could you at least help us kill this lady since she knows we’re selling crack?’
‘Wha-’
Steve jerked awake & stared around blearily, noticing he was lying on the kitchen floor in a small puddle of cocaine & milk. The stove was on fire. Again. He stood up groggily & looked around the kitchen at the heaps of smoldering refuse, it looked like some sort of war zone. All appeared to be normal, aside from the air, which seemed to shimmer before his eyes & smelled strongly of natural gas.
‘Shit’ he murmured running out the door & mostly falling down the stairs, then jerkily walking towards his car, in which Jesus & Shamu sat.
‘What the hell did you guys do?’ he asked weakly.
‘Oh we were trying to liquefy the gas from your stove to make our crack like, awesome times infinity.’
‘Is that possible?’
‘According to the encyclopedia anything is possible if you have sex with it enough.’
‘What the hell does that mean?’
‘I dunno, we just took turns having sex with your stove & hoped it would work.’
‘What?’
The building exploded. It was like the Fourth Of July multiplied by x^y in an equation where x = AWESOME & y = Sexymanliness. The explosion flung chunks of building & neighbors into the sky & across the parking lot, a severed arm bounced off the hood of Steve’s car.
‘We’d better go before the cops get here.’ Shamu said. ‘Lemme drive, you seem kind of out of it for some reason.’
“Why do we need to leave?’ Steve asked stupidly.
‘Your apartment is covered in cocaine & our semen. We really need to go. Like, now.’ Jesus told Steve matter of factly.
‘You guys are the worst.’ Steve muttered before passing out.

‘So you two will definitely be able to look after the house while we’re gone for the next week?’ Daniel asked Jesus & Shamu for about the third time in five minutes.
‘Yeah sure, whatever.’ Jesus replied trying to look around Daniel so he could see the television.
Shamu just made a shooing gesture with a flipper & stuffed more chips into his mouth.
‘Just remember to let the dogs into the back yard for some exercise & remember to feed them this time, you killed the other two, remember?’
‘Not our fault they aren’t smart enough to eat when they’re hungry.’ Shamu pointed out.
‘They’re dogs of course they’re stupid’ Daniel’s friend Steve tossed in.
‘Not very good ones’ Jesus said, giving up on trying to see the television for the time being,’they didn’t know any tricks or anything, they learned how to play dead really well towards the end though.’
‘I think they were dead at that point.’ Shamu said, stating the obvious.
‘Yeah, just no repeats of that this time, OK?’ Daniel asked them again.
‘Sure, whatever’ they muttered in unison.
‘Well I’m going to grab a few beers & we’re going to finish packing’ Daniel told them.
‘You do that, me & Jesus are going to hit the kitchen for a bit of a snack.’
***
In the kitchen Jesus was making a sandwich & Shamu was desperately trying to pull something out of his blow hole with a spork.
‘Aha! There! Got it, finally!’ Shamu exclaimed as he extricated a Ziploc baggie of white powder with the spork.
‘What is that supposed to be?’ Jesus inquired.
‘Hahaha I keep blow in my blow hole haha, get it?’
‘What?’
‘Yeah haha, blow, in my blow hole. Funny, right?’
‘That is extremely unhygienic, not to mention disgusting. I don’t want any.’ Jesus complained.
‘More for me!’
‘Since when is cocaine granulated?’ Jesus inquired,’I'm pretty sure this is sugar or something.’
‘Meh, I’ll give it a go.’ Shamu said as he cut a line on the kitchen floor & began to snort it.’No, not sugar’ Shamu told Jesus conversationally as he rubbed his nose with a flipper & licked the tip,’I'm pretty sure that was Splenda.’
‘Who sold you Splenda & called it cocaine, & why did you buy it? That is the worst fake cocaine I have ever seen.’ said Jesus as he dipped a pinkie into the baggie & licked it.
‘I must have been drunk, or high. Or both. My guy Raoul does this all the time, it’s his little joke or something, I guess. At least last time he sprayed it with Raid.’
‘It’s better with insecticide on it?’
‘I think it is, if you’re already high you’ll trip balls on that stuff.’
‘I’m pretty sure it won’t do anything for you, aside from kill you or something, Raid coated Splenda has got to be the worst way of getting high, like, ever.’ Jesus said as he licked the last of the sweetener from the bag.’What did you pay for this stuff anyway?’
‘Uh, about $300, why?’
‘Where the hell did you get that kind of money,’ Jesus asked,’we’re both broke & jobless.’
‘I pawned Daniel’s computer yesterday.’
‘Does he know?’
‘Since we’re still here I’ll assume he doesn’t know yet. We can say the dogs ate it or a homeless guy stole it.’
‘Something tells me he won’t really believe us.’ Jesus pointed out.
‘Meh, whatever, since we can’t get high we need to get drunk & forget our troubles. What does this guy have in his refrigerator?’ Shamu asked, throwing open the refrigerator door & peering inside. ‘Nothing. Milk. Juice. Sodas. Water. What kind of crap does this guy drink? Where’s the liquor? I want some Everclear.’
‘I guess we could pawn something else & buy some?’ Jesus added, stating the obvious.
‘No, I really need alcohol now. Like, right this second. Hey, can you do that whole water into wine thing for me? Wine is the girliest of alcohols, but anything will do!’ Shamu exclaimed.
‘Right… Uh… Close your eyes.’ Jesus told Shamu.
‘What?’
‘Like, close your eyes or it won’t work.’
‘Why?’
‘Uh… Hey, look, over there, is that a crack rock in the floor?’ Jesus asked indicating a spot near the door. Shamu turned around, dropped to the floor & began scrutinizing every square inch of tile in his line of sight. ‘Oh hey look wine!’ Jesus shouted excitedly.
‘Hmmm… How did you turn a 20 oz bottle of water into a liter of Boone’s Farm?’ Shamu queried suspiciously.
‘Erm… It’s magic!’ Jesus replied with feigned enthusiasm.
‘Do it again,’ Shamu demanded setting another bottle of water on the counter,’ while I try to find that crack rock.’
As Shamu bent over to look for the crack rock he suspected wasn’t really in the kitchen, he saw Jesus pull another bottle of Boone’s Farm out of his robes & place it on the counter where he placed the bottle of water seconds before.
‘Hey, I saw you, how many more of those do you have in your robes?’ Shamu asked as he tackled Jesus & began going through his pockets.
‘None, just those two, cut it out, guy, hey, stop it!’
‘Two bottles my ass.’ Shamu muttered pulling out another bottle & flipping Jesus onto his stomach.
‘Hey that’s all, no, no, NO, don’t stick your flippers up there!’ Jesus cried as Shamu began doing a full body cavity search for alcohol.
‘If you two are into all of that man love or whatever do it somewhere else’ Steve said in a disgusted tone, walking across the kitchen with an armload of fireworks.
‘Just making sure I got all of the alcohol’ Shamu began opening all of the half dozen bottles & drinking them down in a few gulps, one after another.
‘I like alcohol as well as the next guy, but I’m not pulling it out of some guy’s ass,’ Steve said with a disgusted look on his face,’I'd much rather have a nice beer, fresh from the brewery. That’s why we’re going on the trip, to visit all of the breweries we can possibly find on the East Coast. I hear they have free samples & stuff too.’ Steve walked out the front door & deposited the fireworks in the trunk beside the pink lawn flamingos.
Turning around Shamu glanced at Jesus ‘They’re going to get free beer in, like, every state in the U.S. why are we not going with them?’
‘Uh… We’re supposed to watch his place & make sure his dogs don’t die again or something, I think.’
‘Screw that,’ Shamu rolled his eyes ‘We’re going with them & we’re going to get all the free beer we can too.’
‘What about the dogs & stuff’ Jesus asked randomly picking up DVD’s from the entertainment center & stuffing them into his robe.
‘They’re wild animals, they can survive in here on their own’
‘Isn’t that the attitude that got the other two killed last time we looked after them?’
‘I dunno, what if we leave the doors open for them this time, so they can go out & hunt or whatever?’ Shamu whispered.
‘That’s a brilliant idea’ Jesus said sarcastically.
‘Well, it’s decided then. Lets go!’ Shamu exclaimed grabbing Jesus & dragging him towards the car.
After shifting around some boxes of machetes they both had barely enough space in the back seat to squeeze into. They waited.
***
‘Why are you two in my car, we’re about to leave.’ Daniel yelled, finishing his beer & tossing the empty bottle into a pile he started in his neighbors yard earlier.
‘Uh.. Jesus’ brother, Craig, is going to watch things & we’re going to come with you,’ Shamu replied excitedly, ‘we want free beer & stuff too.’
‘….Yeah, whatever, lets just get this show on the pony!’ Daniel screamed as he fell into the driver’s seat.
‘You want me to drive or something?’ Steve asked as he slid into the passenger seat, ‘I don’t think I’m as drunk as you are.’
‘I’m fine’ Daniel replied, trying to jam the car key into the air vent. Steve grabbed his hand & pushed the key towards the ignition. ‘Ah finally got it in’ Daniel screamed at nothing in particular. Steve giggled.
Daniel’s girlfriend Sara opened the driver’s side rear door & kicked Shamu until he scooted over enough for her to sit down.
‘OK, ready to go everyone?’ She asked with a bright smile.
‘Your mom!’ Daniel screamed out the window, putting the car into reverse & backing into his front steps. ‘Shit’ he exclaimed putting it in first, then screeching out onto the road, taking out someone’s mailbox in the process. Rolling down the window he proceeded to scream ‘Road trippppppppp’ at everyone they passed on the way to the interstate. Shamu had another spork out & was fishing in his blow hole for something again. The trip had begun.

To Be Continued…

Jesus & Shamu are coming soon, sit back & wait a bit to be regaled with the tales of everyone’s favorite savior & his human companion in all of their epic adventures.